for some reason or another, i can't bring myself to accept compliments.
i mean, honestly accept them; take them to heart, actually take pride in them. i may reply with 'thank you' or something along the lines of that, but it honestly goes through one ear and out the other. compliments never feel genuine anymore. sometimes i feel as though i am undeserving, or that i should protest against it. i can't help it, i've been brought up to be humble and not take excessive pride in myself. doing such a thing is supposedly considered rude.
truthfully... i think my upbringing is the reason for my lack of confidence and low self-esteem. every time i rejoiced in something i was credited for, i was told to stop bragging. i feel as though i was punished for being proud of myself. i understand there's a fine line between confidence and arrogance... but i never truly had the chance to experience confidence.
perhaps this is why i'm still single, why i've never had a boyfriend, why i've never even been kissed in my entire life. people are attracted to confidence. confidence is something i lack.
i really have tried to improve my morale - honestly. i've tried the whole 'stare at yourself in the mirror and keep chanting you're beautiful until it sinks it' charade - it doesn't work. i've tried. i really have.
compliments come off as awkward now. especially with my parents - the reason i felt the need to write this blog.
they never seem genuine with any reaction towards me. my father hardly recognizes when i'm in the same room as him, and everything my mother says to me feels forced. tonight, for example, she cornered me while i was in the kitchen and just watched me. for those who don't know me, i despise being watched. naturally, that aggravated me. she finally broke the silence and told me she was proud of me. i couldn't help but roll my eyes.
it all felt so fake - like she was trying to force a conversation that was never going to happen. like a set up. her tone of voice, the awkwardness of the it all ... it felt so fake. like she was trying to create a fake appearance to cover up the reality that we just simply don't get along.
i've decided i don't need her or anyone else, though. i think i've improved my self-esteem on my own, even if only by a bit. but it still feels like a genuine accomplishment.
...congrats, stef. you deserve it.