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25 April 2010 @ 11:27 pm

for some reason or another, i can't bring myself to accept compliments.

i mean, honestly accept them; take them to heart, actually take pride in them. i may reply with 'thank you' or something along the lines of that, but it honestly goes through one ear and out the other. compliments never feel genuine anymore. sometimes i feel as though i am undeserving, or that i should protest against it. i can't help it, i've been brought up to be humble and not take excessive pride in myself. doing such a thing is supposedly considered rude.

truthfully... i think my upbringing is the reason for my lack of confidence and low self-esteem. every time i rejoiced in something i was credited for, i was told to stop bragging. i feel as though i was punished for being proud of myself. i understand there's a fine line between confidence and arrogance... but i never truly had the chance to experience confidence.

perhaps this is why i'm still single, why i've never had a boyfriend, why i've never even been kissed in my entire life. people are attracted to confidence. confidence is something i lack.

i really have tried to improve my morale - honestly. i've tried the whole 'stare at yourself in the mirror and keep chanting you're beautiful until it sinks it' charade - it doesn't work. i've tried. i really have.

compliments come off as awkward now. especially with my parents - the reason i felt the need to write this blog.

they never seem genuine with any reaction towards me. my father hardly recognizes when i'm in the same room as him, and everything my mother says to me feels forced. tonight, for example, she cornered me while i was in the kitchen and just watched me. for those who don't know me, i despise being watched. naturally, that aggravated me. she finally broke the silence and told me she was proud of me. i couldn't help but roll my eyes.

it all felt so fake - like she was trying to force a conversation that was never going to happen. like a set up. her tone of voice, the awkwardness of the it all ... it felt so fake. like she was trying to create a fake appearance to cover up the reality that we just simply don't get along.

i've decided i don't need her or anyone else, though. i think i've improved my self-esteem on my own, even if only by a bit. but it still feels like a genuine accomplishment.

yes. genuine.

...congrats, stef. you deserve it.
Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: gary go - just dance (cover)
19 August 2009 @ 09:02 pm
Well, actually, it's not like I've been missing or anything. Just got bored of livejournal and decided to take a break. But things are gonna be going full blast from here on end! I'm gonna be busy updating my co-owned community, Ryfield, which is dedicated to the crack pairing Kevin Ryman/Claire Redfield (In case any of you Resident Evil fans may be reading this and are suddenly intrigued. ;D)

Thing is, I probably won`t be posting much on my little journal. Ho hum. :/

Either way, don`t hesitate to contact me if I`m needed. I`ll still respond! :)
Current Mood: peacefulpeaceful
Current Music: River Flows In You - Yiruma
16 May 2009 @ 12:18 am
So, it's about ... 12:20AM, and I feel like shit. So, I'mma post a blog venting about all of the shit I've been through in the past week in order to get rid of some of the anxiety. So basically, long story short, my 2 year old sister gets sick. One night, her fever shoots up to over 100 degrees F, and she starts sshaking and jumping uncontrollably. So, freaking out, we call 911. Ambulance comes, blah-blah-blah, give her Tylenol to break the fever, blah-blah-blah. This was around 4AM, so I vaguely remember what the fuck was coming out of their mouths. So, we decide we'd bring my sister to the doctor later on seeing as we were told whatever the fuck was going on with her was not life-threatening. MY ASS. We end up going to 2 hospitals, one of them being the Hospital for Sick Children and the other being what I like to call The Death-Hole - due to a major lack of staff causing people to die for stupid reasons. Anyways, we find out my sister has a urinary tract infection, and the shaking/jumping spell she had was, in fact, a seizure when we were told it wasn't, and if my sister doesn't take the medicine she was given she'll have to be admitted back to the hospital and be kept on IV for 10 days. It doesn't help she refuses to take her medicine.

Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Shake It - The Medic Droid
So, in between working on yet another video today (already uploaded two this week) and reading fauxraadio's most recent rant, I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine from school today. I'm not going to call her out in case by some chance she finds my journal (it's no one on my friend's list, for all of you who are reading this and are on the verge of shitting themselves). So, for the sake of giving her a name, we shall refer to her as ...Beth-Ann. From the cingular commercial :). Anyways, I was talking to Beth-Ann on MSN, and it started out as any normal conversation would. Oh, for the record, Beth-Ann's been hanging out with me for the past 3 days because her boyfriend has recently started his I.B. exams (all you need to know about I.B. is that it's for extremely nerdy people who can afford to spend 2/3 of their high school lives studying) and she seems to have no one else to hang out with at lunch. Boo hoo.

So anyways, we were talking and I'm guessing she was bored of our conversation because she said, "Only 1 more month... *sigh*". What she means is that in one more month her boyfriend will be done his exams. Anyways, she's been getting on my nerves lately, as all clingy high school couples do, when I said, "You're being really over dramatic, you know that? It's only been 3 days. If you miss him so much, why don't you just hang out with him or call him after school when he's done his exams?". And this is what really grinds my gears - her response was "You wouldn't understand, you don't have a significant other!".

Okay, where do I begin? First of all, no need to sound like a smart-fuck. The term is boyfriend. Secondly, I choose to remain single. Here's why: I'm an egocentric self-centered bitch and a half. Meaning, I like to do what I want, whenever I want. I love the idea of having someone to cuddle with and all that romantic crap, but I hate the idea of being committed to someone. Most high school guys are really damn controlling, anyways. They always want you on their arm whenever you have free time, they expect you to call them every second of the day, and what's most annoying is that if you so much as look at a guy friend of yours, they automatically presume you're being a slut.

Yeah, I'm sorry, but I hate being told what to do. If I want to hug a guy friend of mine, I'm sure as hell going to do it. If I want to go out somewhere without you, I'm going to do it. If I want to spend my lunch with my friends and not you, I'm going to do it. Well, you can just imagine how a relationship with me would work out.

Anyways, I'm getting off-topic. What I was trying to say through all of that why do I have to have a "significant other" (as Beth-Ann likes to call it) to be understand what it's like to be away from someone you care about? I miss being around some of my best friends whom I love to death all the time, and you don't hear me whining about how lonely I am. Grow a pair and suck it up. Honestly, I enjoy being alone. It's peaceful, quiet, and free of clingy melodramatics like you, Beth-Ann. :)

But here's where I get confused. I'm practically the only person who's never had/doesn't want a boyfriend. Is it wrong I cherish my time alone that much? :/
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: irritatedirritated
Current Music: Prelude 12/21 - AFI
Robert Frost speculated about the world ending in fire or in ice. Which do you think is likely to end us all: meteorite, global warming, nuclear weapons, zombies, or the superflu?
I'll answer this,  just because I'm that bored.

WE'RE MOST LIKELY TO BE KILLED BY ZOMBIESSS. I mean, c'mon! It makes sense. While we're busy shitting ourselves over war, and this new swine flu that popped up out of no where, and nuclear weapons, zombies are gonna plan a sneak attack and invade our towns! They will steal our cattle, and eat our babies! They will steal our gold and riches, and take over everything! THEY'LL EAT EVERYONE IN SIGHT!

..Well, except me. I've played too much Resident Evil to just die in the middle of a zombie infested town. I wish you guys luck though. :)
Current Location: Still at school.
Current Mood: boredbored
01 May 2009 @ 08:40 am

'Kay, so, I'm sitting in Media Arts right now and we're basically doing nothing. Haha, it's so weird; I'm struggling to write this stupid little blog. It keeps sounding like and essay, so I keep going back to rewrite it. This is the effect school has on me. Maybe a smiley will make it sound more casual? . . . ( T _ T ). FFF! Guess not. If only these stupid Mac computers had Sony Vegas instead of lame-ass iMovie (Don't give me that look. I used it; it's shit). If only I could work on my videos... ( ; ~ ; ). You know what else sucks? Pretty much every website is blocked on the school computers! Like, EVERYTHING. I can't even go on YouTube! Like, usually when you try to go on a website and it blocks you, it gives you a reason as to why it's blocked (ie: "Sexual Misconduct"). THEY DON'T EVEN GIVE ME A REASON AS TO WHY YOUTUBE'S BLOCKED! It's so damn unfair. I officially loathe school computers.


Current Location: in Media Arts class
Current Mood: bitchybitchy
04 January 2009 @ 08:50 pm

I'm glad I wasn't the only one picturing this when playing CVX.
Don't lie to yourself. This is the best picture. Ever. in the history of pictures.

Current Mood: gigglygiggly
Current Music: Circles - Hollywood Undead